Communication is about connection: children are not Parrots

[The following post was inspired by a video shared on an internet forum for parents of autistic children. As this piece of writing is an opinion, not a story about a family and their journey, I have changed names and any identifying features.]

I have just watched a video of a young autistic girl repeating the words, “Amy is 4.” Her mother proudly announces:

After two weeks of repeating “Amy is 4,” she finally said it… Persistence is the key. Now she is singing, “Amy is 4…” Just a week till her birthday…🎶🎊🎈🎂🎁🎆

Now, as I said above, I do not wish to comment on this family’s journey; I don’t have any background or context and there will certainly be a whole history that I have no clue about. But, that is kind of the point. This post floats alone recommending a practice that “worked” on one child. By default, it encourages other parents to follow suit. Of course, I do not doubt that repetition can assist people learning or improving certain skills; however, I have concerns about how this parroting strategy is implemented when teaching nonverbal children to speak, and I also wonder how it helps anyone communicate effectively.

Who are we helping, our neurodivergent children or the neurotypical people around them?

There are many professionals (and pseudo-professionals) who are proponents of repetition as a means to encourage nonverbal/minimally verbal children to speak. Importantly, I do not dismiss the idea that repetition assists in speech and language development (my son often requests to hear words or phrases over and over again, and I have used phrasal repetition when learning/teaching secondary languages). But sadly, repetition alone disregards the purpose of communication, devalues other methods of discourse, and dismisses the readiness of the child.

Often, the onus is put on the neurodivergent child to communicate in a way that is uncomfortable and stressful for them, in order to appease the neurotypical people in the world around them. Typically, this is done by teaching set phrases without any context or communicative purpose.

From the outside looking in (and yes, I am an outsider so feel free to enlighten me), it seems supporting the individual is not the primary objective of some therapies. In fact, the drive to get a nonverbal child speaking is more about satisfying the desires of the people around them. It is one thing to encourage and assist verbal communication, but to demand, or expect speech (from anyone) crosses a very distinct line. This is no longer about meeting a child’s needs, rather it is a form of abuse couched in ableist-love.

Remember, many nonverbal kids are autistic; they struggle with socialization. They need connection, not coercion.

Children are not parrots and speech does not equal communication

A parrot speaking into a microphone: communication is not connection

PHOTO CREDIT: Nathan Rupert https://www.flickr.com/photos/19953384@N00/5303850741

Communication is a two-way street. Saying something over and over again until a child repeats it proves nothing about the child’s comprehension or ability to communicate. A child can hear an adult’s words and understand them perfectly without needing to repeat them. On the flip side, a parrot can repeat something perfectly without understanding a word.*

[bctt tweet=”Children are not parrots and speech does not equal communication. #nonverbal #autism” username=”@Bee_Kids”]

Chanting and repeating words and phrases to a nonverbal or minimally verbal person is not communicating at all. In fact, for as long as the communication remains one-sided it is purposeless. Let’s be honest, when you see a parent, teacher, or practitioner take more pride in their own efforts than in the child’s progress you know the balance is off.

None of this is to say that I am opposed to speech therapy (quite the opposite), but I believe communication and connection should be the primary focus. Any therapy that is focussed on output over engagement is not fully considering the unique, diverse needs of the individual. For this to happen we must respect where the child currently is not where we would prefer them to be. Follow the child. This has been, and always will be my mantra.

Communication is about Connection

Somewhat ironically, I am repeating myself; communication is about connection. It is about meeting minds and engaging with others. Persistently repeating a phrase does not respect the cognitive abilities of nonverbal people and it certainly does not assist with effective communication. In fact, there are multiple ways to communicate without speaking: gestures, touch, the written word, pictures, AAC devices, PECs cards, and simply being present in another person’s world. You do not have to say a word to be connected.

So, Amy’s mama, I know you love your daughter infinitely and I know you desperately want her to be part of the world you are most comfortable in. But please take a moment to reflect: is repeating this phrase helpful for your child? Does it keep her safe? Are these words for you or for her?

I hope that when you posted about repetition and persistence you were, in fact, remembering a multitude of chats and connections about Amy’s upcoming birthday. Every parent’s heart bursts when their children achieve new things so, let me celebrate your daughter’s latest milestone with you. And, let’s not forget to say: