DISCLAIMER: Unlike most posts on Bee Kids, this one contains language that some people may find offensive. Please forgive me for selecting words that most accurately sum up a particularly crap time in my life. 🙂 

Goodbye Comfort Zone

A few days ago, I stepped out of my comfort zone and went live on Facebook. I had imagined, if I ever vlogged, I would have perfect lighting, a decent microphone, nice hair and make-up, and some profound and witty content. At no point did I think I would tell people that my mental health was taking a hit.

Before stepping into my back garden and hitting the “Live” button, my life (like yours) was full of ups and downs. I believed, since all struggles are transient, there would be no need to divulge my innermost anxieties. In truth, I expected to keep smiling as though everything was tickety-boo and I had my shit together.

I Did Not Have My Shit Together

You may have noticed my on-again-off-again relationship with writing this blog. When inspired, I write drafts; when confident, I publish. Unfortunately, my draft box is full to bursting with potential posts and very few see the light of day. I become so overwhelmed by the little stuff (choosing an image, optimizing the site, updating plugins, and so on) the content sits gathering dust. Somewhere, deep inside my cluttered brain, there is a voice that whispers, “Hit publish.” But that voice is drowned out by self-doubt, frustration, inertia, anxiety, and life. 

As you can probably tell, I have been struggling for a long time. The social obligation to be positive and resilient means I haven’t been giving myself space to recognize (or heal) emotional pain. Instead, I went about life smiling and happy and optimistic; I wrote drafts but didn’t publish, I laundered clothes but didn’t hang them, I washed dishes but didn’t put them away. Do you see a pattern?

I believed I was fine. Maybe a bit disorganized or easily distracted, but otherwise okay.

What Changed?

A few months ago I went to a meeting about my son. The “professional” was ill-informed at best, ignorant at worst. I had expected to meet someone knowledgeable, who could provide advice and guidance. Instead, I met someone who did not even know my son’s name. She asked questions but did not hear the answers; then made a series of grossly prejudiced statements. Faced with such a lack of care, I broke.

Recovery did not come. I did not bounce back. The thought of this woman caused my anxiety to spike. She is not to blame for my mental health decline, but she was my tipping point. Since that day, I have had to fight to hold it together. In every meeting since then, I have been unable to articulate myself; I have not been able to advocate for my son.

Recognition and Acceptance

It was a few more weeks before it became clear I needed help. During a routine visit from my health visitor, I fell apart. She contacted the medical center on my behalf, and I was able to see a doctor the next day who referred me for counseling and prescribed medication.

Although there is greater awareness than in the past, the stigma surrounding mental health problems remains. It is phenomenally hard to tell people you are finding life difficult, and there is a quiet shame in having a mind that hurts. Ironically, it is this shame, this silence that hurts us more. We believe we need to be better, so we do not see we are enough.

So, what do you do when you realize you are one of the millions who have mental health problems?

Not the first time

Unfortunately, this is not my first encounter with mental health struggles. Twenty years ago, I was in a very dark place; adrift and directionless. It took me years to climb out and find my feet. I have lived in fear of returning to that place ever since. But, because I know how bad it can get, I am doing things differently this time.

A few months ago, while out walking with my son, I came across this road sign floating in a pond. It resonated, so I snapped a picture. Now, I see a metaphor.

This time, I will not hide away.

I will not bury my struggles.

This time, I will embrace adversity and take ownership of my mental health.

I will not be afraid of what others think.

This time, I will take a small step forward every day

And, I will be kind to myself if I stumble.

Choosing to Going Public About Mental Health Difficulties

Every now and then, I see someone post about a life struggle on social media. Often, I leave a comment or send a message. I admire them. It takes courage to be open about personal troubles. I was pretty sure I would never be able to do that, and I was certain I didn’t want to.

Then, one night while putting my son to bed, I found I was unable to read Jack and the Beanstalk without crying. My son looked at me and asked, “Mummy, what’s wrong?” I smiled and replied, “I am sad about many things, but you make me happy.” We finished the story, and he drifted off to sleep. Silently, I left my sleeping boy; I knew the time had come.

Inspired by others who seek help, I called The Samaritans, a free helpline for people in need of emotional support. I cried, ranted, talked, and cried some more. I do not know who I spoke to, but I will be forever grateful.

The following morning, I joined the ranks of those before me who shared their battles online. My struggles were impacting my parenting, and I knew there must be others finding life hard. So, filled with anxiety, I stepped into my back garden, hit the Live button, and talked.

Everyone Struggles

From the comments and private messages I received in the days following, one thing was clear; most people know what it is to be overwhelmed and many have been through, or are going through, emotional struggles far beyond what we see.

Since going public, I have cycled through embarrassment, anxiety, joy, hope, fear, euphoria, guilt, panic, anger, happiness, sadness, relief, shame, and worry. But, one thing I have not felt since posting is alone. The sense of isolation is gone (or at least put away for a little while).

In fact, in one morning while typing this, I have received another three messages from people who have battled depression and mental health issues. Behind closed doors, many of our family, friends, and neighbors are in pain.

I have come to understand I am not a failure because I am struggling. And, I am not a bad parent or a terrible person because I am finding life hard.

I am human. Sometimes life is great sometimes it isn’t. It is okay to fall. We all need help sometimes.

When I look back at this time in my life, I want to remember how hard things have been because, when things are going great, it is too easy to leave our humility behind. However, I also want to remember the joy of parenting a 4-year-old. So, that is where I will focus. My boy. My joy. This moment. Our future.

Do you need help?

If you are finding things hard, talk to someone. Anyone. Call a helpline. Nobody gets through life struggle-free. There are many reasons people call a helpline (you do not need to be suicidal):

• feeling overwhelmed or unable to cope

• bereavement, grief, and loss

• relationship or family problems

• friendship or social difficulties

• financial worries

• loneliness and isolation

• study-related stress

• painful and/or disabling physical illness

• thoughts of suicide or self-harm

• addiction or dependency

• bullying or abuse

I have begun compiling a selection of online services and resources for people around the world. If you spot a mistake or can recommend a site or service for your location, please let me know in the comments. Thank you.

Keep buzzin’